OCTOBER 14, 2011
Wrong People Arrested on Wall Street
Goldman Boss: ‘Thought They Were Finally Coming for Us’
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Millions of Americans cheered the news on Friday that arrests had finally been made on Wall Street, but were soon disappointed to learn that the wrong people had been taken into custody.
“I was like, finally they’re going to get those bastards,” said Tracy Klugian, 27, of Queens, New York, whose hopes were raised by an “Arrests on Wall Street” graphic he saw on CNN. “I guess it was too good to be true.”
NYPD spokesman Frank Hannefy explained the controversial decision to arrest Occupy Wall Street protesters while leaving the people who had brought the nation’s economy to the brink of Armageddon unmolested.
“As far as soulless individuals pillaging the country for their personal gain, that’s none of our business,” he said. “But we’ll be damned if we’re going to let people march on newly seeded grass.”
At banking giant Goldman Sachs, chairman Lloyd Blankfein admitted that when he heard police sirens outside his building, “I was sure they were finally coming for us.”
The Goldman chief said he started running up and down the halls “screaming at people to feed the document shredder like Chris Christie at a pie-eating contest.”
Mr. Blankfein said that he felt “palpable relief” when he realized that the police had come to arrest the protesters and were leaving the bankers at large.
“That was a close one,” he said, chuckling. “We’re all going to have a good laugh about this over the weekend in the Caymans.”
Elsewhere, Texas Governor Rick Perry announced what he called his "1-1-1" plan: "Every American gets 1 percent tax, 1 mandatory vaccination, and 1 execution."
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